A few months ago, I had an epiphany.. that I can’t be loved? and if even though you somehow fall for me due to your misfortune, its impossible to love me for long.. still for while I thought this is just my self-loathe and a new evolved form of the crippling depression I used to have, but somehow people reminded of everything again and again, not by words but by actions and the picture become clearer.. its all sorted and I am content with these facts.. the issue is when I fall for someone? I have no idea what to do.. I am trying to row a boat upstream where, I really dont wanna reach the top? but I dont wanna fall down either? I have to work continously just to maintain my position, and yes people have tried to give me a hand so that I can reach the top but I dont wanna go there… I know what happens there, its all bright and shiny at the start, but the more you get inside, everything gets clouded with regrets, disappointments and well guilt.. and I dont wanna just go with the flow either cause I am in love right? its stupid but its happening to me.. Its usually at this time I have two options, either lovingly let go of the person so they dont feel any guilt and well dont blame themselves while knowing that you love them, or go all the way to call them mine.. and I dont wanna choose either.. and that’s where it sucks the most, its like you want to love somebody with all your might, but you are just caged a few metres away from them, you have the key to the cage but you dont have the strength to open it? and that’s exactly how my days are going by, sitting idly watching the world change.