Descend to Hell

.. Really wont call it a basic descend, more like a free fall… or well accelerated fall with hydrogen powered rockets are throttling you to the ground at max velocity.. that’s how my day went.. or more like the last few hours.. my friend told me once that love is bullshit and its only a excuse people use to be selfish with others and have a reason for it? Expectations are a form of greed.. a currency in relationship.. the more expectations you fulfill the more love you can get,  and the more expectations you fail, the more you get in debt.. until you are bankrupted.. your heart, your love and everything else you feel “good” about is snatched.. well more like pulled out of you forcefully and thrown to the dogs to eat.., I have broken more times than i count, and i guess its same with everyone else out there too.. we have got used to being broken.. but we never get used to breaking people? nobody loves anymore.. everyone expects and lusts over the benefits of it.. I broke too, usual case scenario.. a girl who started meaning more than world to me.. I proposed her, got rejected.. and the stupid thing was.. I was easy? my best friend always told me to be challenging, be difficult to please and itll be easier to get the girl.. I knew she was making sense, but i didnt want to make that girl mine.. I want to make the love of my life mine, so why would I pretend to be difficult? why cant i just be myself and still be accepted, why cant I act totally desperate and head over heels and still be considered a worthy partner? well.. i was wrong, cause I added that, I dont want anything from you just there would be one rule.. no expectations, and she didnt like it.. maybe or there was something else on her mind.. but yeah.. again back to square one.. I got rejected, I like how your mind just blocks everything at that time, your heart is beating , yet you cant feel it, you cant feel your throat drying up, your lips trying to open and utter some words, your hand stop typing and feel numb… everything goes lifeless in an instant, and soon as you get accustomed to that nothingness, you are pulled down by this endless abyss of void.. where all your senses become meaningless for a while.. the fall hurts already but it doesnt hurt as much as your mind does.. every strand of you starts breaking apart and you try your best to hold on to it.. pull them with all your might.. reminding yourself not again, not again.. I promised myself.. this wont happen to me again.. I failed myself.. and then it still breaks apart and you just stay there.. in a hell you just created for yourself with your negativity.. I got too used to it you know? the hell… it was  like home, the negativity the usual suicidal tendencies and the urge to be alone and fuck the world if needed.. a few days ago.. not even a week lol.. I was lectured for hours by my best friend and she said that you are wrong, you dont deserve to live like this and what not, she made a lot of sense, and she didnt mean wrong.. she just wanted me to try with all my might.. so I started, I got a schedule I started climbing out, it pulled me.. my negativity but  I had something to look forward to right? something I may not be able to see if I remain here.. and I had not even gone half way xD and this fucking thing just crashed at me , I didnt expect it to hurt this much but it did, for the past 5 months i have been working on myself and I have been preparing.. i could have gotten out i had a drive but fuck it.. I am back to square one with all the broken pieces im too tired to look at again..

my best friend told me.. I have quite a few of them who care more than needed or asked of them.. :p, he is pretty stupid but i wont ever forget it.. cause its all thats going to matter from now on.. and what he said was, ” A broken man is unstoppable, as he is got nothing more to lose”.  its my mantra, now i dont care if the person who rejected me feels regret or joy or whatnot.. I just want her to live a happy life and be content with everything that happens from now on.. as no matter what I do love her.. but she has lost me, and Its not gonna be easy to get me back 🙂 nor would i ever try for her again.. decisions and choices make us.. lets see where this takes me 😀




4 thoughts on “Descend to Hell

  1. Wow, lot of hurt and bitterness in there. I hope it made you feel better getting it off your chest. Sorry you got rejected, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be … don’t change who you are because of it – onwards and upwards!!! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Its understandable if you are heart one expects themselves to be the best… I was once stood up by a guy😅’s fine shit happens…I was watching Grey’s anatomy episodes back to back yesterday…it made me realise something…life is shitty…it is full of hurdles which urge you to give up on it and just become a superficial being but those people end up being happy who take the challenge to face it..the obvious consequence of such a challenge is you will be vulnerable to some extent…being hurt is not bad but not acting and knowingly taking stupid decisions is insane…I have never been in your position…😋🤔 Oh wait I have been there…it hurts but thike we move ahead we see the day and we fight it off step by step🤒😘😘😘

    Liked by 1 person

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